What to do when your husband loses his job

Losing a job is tough on everyone in the family. Here are tips and strategies to help you be a supportive spouse in times of trouble.
By Lisa Harvey, Canadian Living

My husband, David, was waiting at the door when our daughter, Laura, and I pulled in the driveway. It wasn’t like him to be home this early; something was up. David walked to the car and unbuckled Laura’s seat. He picked her up, held her tightly and looked directly into my eyes over the roof of the car. The disbelief on his face told me everything.

“Do you still have a job?” I asked.

“No. Redundant,” he answered, looking away from me.

“When?”

“In two months.”

“OK,” I replied calmly. “We will figure it out.”

I actually had no idea how we were going to figure it out. I immediately started to think of how we’d cut costs and who we should start to get in touch with. That night, after David had fallen asleep, I cried myself to sleep, and frequently sobbed in the shower in the days that followed.

I knew the loss of David’s income would have a significant impact on us. He had worked for the same insurance company for 21 years and is our main income and benefits provider. I work at home caring for Laura, and my freelance income is sporadic. We have debts. Yes, we knew David would get a severance package, but job hunting takes time.

Still, I was more concerned about my husband’s emotional state than our financial situation. David’s sense of identity was tied to his job. He called his parents to tell them about losing his job, but didn’t say a word to anyone else for weeks. He told me that he felt “demoralized” and like “a failure.”

It was tough for me to watch David struggle with unemployment. His severance package included career transition services, such as interview coaching, and he received a book with exercises to help him deal with his new reality. David would diligently work through the handbook, but he also spent time sitting in his La-Z-Boy, surfing through daytime television and wondering how he’d gotten there.

One night a couple of weeks after he lost his job, David woke me just before midnight, sweating, pacing the bedroom floor and saying he felt funny. We spent the night in the ER waiting to see if he had a heart attack. Thankfully, it was just a severe anxiety attack. It was then that I knew I needed to do more to understand what my husband was going through. Here is what I learned from my own experience – and from talking to experts – on how to support your spouse through a job loss.

Lessons in job loss
1. Recognize the men react differently than women. One of my biggest challenges throughout this ordeal was reassuring David that he hadn’t let Laura and me down. John Henderson, a registered marriage and family therapist in Oakville, Ont., says men feel they are still “conditioned to be the main breadwinner and family protector” and a job loss causes them to question their ability to support their families, which at times can shake their identity (even if their spouse is working too).
• What worked for us: I remember David stumbling and hesitating over his words when he explained to our financial adviser that he’d been made redundant. “I’m sorry,” David told me, blinking back tears after the meeting. I took his hand and told him that he hadn’t let us down – that I believed in him. David’s counsellor was crucial in
rebuilding his self-esteem.

2. Take advantage of the services in a severance package. David’s counsellor was able to validate his skills in a way that I, as his wife, was not able to. Cecile Peterkin, a career and life coach and the author of the e-book The Career Athlete, says career counselling is helpful because it gives employees the opportunity to assess their marketability and career goals. “It’s a good time to discover where your skills, experience, interest and knowledge can be put to work,” Peterkin adds. “Use this time to make positive changes in your career and life.”
• What worked for us: I reassured David that he had transferrable job skills, but I think he thought I had to say that because I was his wife. When his job transition counsellor said the same, he believed her. She helped him update his résumé, find job leads and prepare for interviews, and she gave him the confidence boost he needed.

3. Adjust your finances. Beverley Moir, a senior wealth adviser with ScotiaMcLeod in Toronto, says that people tend to go into denial over a job loss, and often don’t act quickly to mitigate the impact. Case in point: I had to talk David out of buying a new barbecue in the clearance sales. Moir recommends that you sit down with a financial planner (many banks offer this service free of charge) and discuss how you can manage on a reduced income. Joan Hoskinson, a certified financial planner with Assante Capital Management in Thunder Bay, Ont., suggests sitting down and making two lists: one for necessary expenses such as your mortgage or rent; and a second for discretionary expenses. Make the cuts to the discretionary expenses first.
• What worked for us: Once we had the details of David’s severance package, we met with our financial planner. He suggested that we have our house re-evaluated because we have a mortgage that is based on the value of our home, which had increased significantly in value. We also consolidated our debt and took out a life insurance policy to replace the group life insurance that we would lose from David’s job. In addition, we cut out restaurant meals and I doubled my efforts to find clients.

4. Call on other professionals. Moir encourages people to seek legal advice on their severance packages to ensure that their rights have been protected. Some things, such as extending your health benefits for a certain period of time, can be negotiated. As well, Henderson says to watch your spouse for signs of extreme anxiety, withdrawal, excessive anger, sudden weight loss or gain, as well as frustration or hopelessness. These are indications that your mate is not coping well and may be at risk of depression. If this is the case, Henderson says, show you are concerned about his well-being, and encourage your spouse to get professional help.
• What worked for us: David’s severance package covered benefits for a period of time. We had the option of consulting a lawyer before accepting the offer but chose not to after talking to friends who made us feel confident that the package was a good one.
Although David had been diagnosed with a severe anxiety attack, his family doctor didn’t feel he needed medication to deal with anxiety. The health scare actually galvanized David, and he started actively searching for a job and didn’t suffer another panic attack.

5. Realize that your children will sense the situation is different. Kids feel tension from parents, so give them age-appropriate information. Younger children can be told that some things, such as pizza nights, have to be cut for a short period, says Henderson. Older teens can participate in the family discussion, and be encouraged to make a contribution for their own hobbies or sports, if necessary, by finding a part-time job, if that is agreeable to everyone. Henderson adds that parents should reassure kids of all ages that the family will pull through this, and try to maintain a regular routine in the meantime.
• What worked for us: We told Laura that Daddy was staying home for a while, but she kept all her normal playgroups. I underestimated the impact that David being at home would have on our family, though. Laura and I had a good routine going during the day; everything was predictable – until David stopped working. I limited television; he let Laura watch as much as she wanted. I could deal with Laura’s mood swings; David had a hard time picking his battles. He would wander down to the basement with Laura when I was working. After a couple of days of trying to complete work projects on the computer while Laura played under my feet and David played Xbox beside me, I instituted a new rule: if the baby gate at the top of the stairs was locked, the “don’t come down” rule applied to both of them.
From then on David and I took turns using the computer and keeping Laura occupied. When I was hired for a major project, I purchased a laptop. In the end, the experience had a positive effect on our relationship. David now admits that he has no idea how I get any work done during the day while caring for Laura.

6. Personal support systems are crucial. Henderson says that unemployment can trigger other losses, such as loss of friends, structure and social interaction. A job seeker needs to “get out, get busy and start doing things so that he is not alone, and set measurable and achievable goals,” he adds.
• What worked for us: David had good friends who stayed in touch with him and made sure that he kept up his biweekly card games. We also compiled a list of friends and professional acquaintances and told them what type of work David was looking for. I leaned on my close friends and family to stay positive. I also needed to vent about my concerns for David’s wellbeing and the challenges of working around both Laura and her dad. Venting kept the anger where it belonged – at the situation, not at David.

This story has a happy ending: David landed a one-year contract in his field.